From: cjra on
On Jan 6, 5:37 pm, Nikki <skavan...(a)iw.net> wrote:
> I don't really have any advice that wasn't already offered.  I just
> popped in and wanted to say congrats and I hope things settle down soon.
>       IME it is the expected response of a spirited child in her
> situation but that doesn't really make it any easier on the parents!!
> It is nice to see old familiar names on the thread.  One of my 3yo's is
> the same way.    So busy and ornery.  It is exhausting and I don't have
> a newborn!
>
> --
>
> Nikki, mama to 4 boys.

Thanks! It is nice to see some folks around. I feel a little lost
without this group ;)
From: cjra on


On Dec 30 2009, 2:59 pm, Pologirl <polog...(a)att.net> wrote:
> Hi Cjra,
>
> Congratulations on your new baby!

Thanks! I keep trying to reply and something always stops me, like a
child ;)

>
> > That all changed about a month ago. It was rather sudden one day which
> > makes me worried. It started off with weepiness.
>
> I too would take her to a pediatrician for a thorough checkup.  But
> then I am the mother of a child who had a large tumor.  Others,
> parents and people who suffered from similar tumors when they were
> little, have come out of the woodwork to me.  A physical cause is
> unlikely, but very serious.

Well, she does have RSV at the moment, but that's fairly recent.
Things have settled down a bit, so I'm more inclined to think it's
behavioural rather than physical. I do have some concerns I'll discuss
with pedi next week.

> > (baby is not gaining well and not latching so I'm nursing
> > every 2 hour for 30 minutes).
>
> Oh dear.  My first was like that.  Fortunately my second had no
> feeding problems.  Your 3yo must get very bored and cranky, waiting
> for the nursling to finish.  Between nursing, diaper changing, and
> just keeping all heads above water, you can't have much time for
> anything else.

Exactly. I can't blame her. It's not easy with me nursing so much. I
thought he was improving (he is gaining 1 oz/day), but pedi is
concerned he's dropped form 30th% at birth to 3% at 4 weeks, despite
his recent gain. I'm working with the LC still to improve things. My
supply is good, so just getting him to latch and feed completely now.

I try to include her, and sometimes she wants to be nearby, but more
often she's annoyed.

> > I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible - fortunately
> > this baby sleeps (unlike her), so I spend all that time he's asleep
> > focusing on her. But this behaviour is just constant. No more my
> > laughing singing dancing child, in her place is a mean, unhappy,
> > aggressive, screaming child.
>
> At 3 1/2, she is old enough to understand her behavior is not
> acceptable, and that other people don't like it.  So it may help to
> tell her you don't like it and you are going off by yourself for a
> little while until you calm down.  Time out for you.  You may want to
> try this when DH is home, and coach him first about his responses to
> her responses to you.  DH really needs to stop the "no, stop that"
> routine and you need to coach him in detail on how else to respond.
> Many children who want attention would rather be scolded than
> ignored.  I find it effective to ignore the bad behavior and be ready
> to reward with my attention even the slightest improvement.  You say
> she snaps fabric in your face.  Yes, this could hurt you and cannot be
> ignored.  But you can attend to the danger (snapping fabric) rather
> than the behavior (demanding your attention).  Swiftly confiscate the
> offending fabric and put it in time out / in the laundry machine / in
> a closet.  Say not a word about it to her.  If you can manage it,
> don't glare, perhaps don't even look at her while you deal directly
> with the offending fabric.  I am not saying cut her cold, just be
> neutral toward her.  Make it not about her.  If nothing else, you may
> find yourself feeling much more in control and calmer.  You can
> control a piece of fabric in a way that you cannot control a child.

Thanks for this. I've been doing this since you mentioned it (and told
DH to do the same). It really does seem to help. See, normally I like
to give her the "choice" to do the right thing, so I'll tell her to
stop and give her a chance to. Problem is I probably give her too
many chances. So now I've been saying it once and if it doesn't stop,
take away whatever she has immediately and not say another word. I
don't like the "silent treatment," but it seems to work as she's old
enough to understand I already told her no once. If she hits/pulls at
me when I'm nursing, I'll tell her to stop once. If she doesn't, I get
up and leave to another room. Again, I don't like doing this as I
don't like the message, but it seems to be working. She calms down
pretty quickly and her mood changes. Generally, if she's doing these
things, she's not going to just stop when I say to, but now she
doesn't do them as often. I just have to get DH to get there. He tends
to say a lot more and carry it on, which carries on *her* tantrum
longer.

I must admit that I've needed to work on my behaviour as well. I got
*very* upset the other day at DH (he woke me up for a BAD reason when
I was trying to nap after having NO sleep the night before....) and
afterwards I realized I was throwing my own tantrum, so of course I
had modeled poor behaviour. Not to mention DD said I had scared her. :
( So I am a lot more conscious of that now. And DH will not wake me up
if I manage to get a few minutes of sleep now....

We're also going to start her in preschool next week 2x/week. Had
planned to wait until a couple of weeks before I returned to work, as
I feel guilty sending her when I'm home, but we realized that she
needs that social interaction and structure, and DS needs time with me
one on one right now. Part of my problem is feeling like I'm the only
one in the world who can't handle 2 kids....I feel like a bad parent
to DD because I can't give her what she needs and a bad parent to DS
because I can't give him what he needs. I do feel like I've had to
choose him over her, but truly his physical needs are more important
at the moment.

Overall, we're at 4 weeks now since DS was born and things are looking
up with DD. Fewer tantrums, shorter tantrums, and unprompted she said
twice "I love you Mommy." :) We still have issues, but I think we're
moving forward. My Happy Hurricane has shown some signs of returning!

Thanks to all for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I was
feeling pretty despondent there for awhile. Now I feel some hope!
From: Pologirl on
I am glad things are better for you now, Cjra.

A lot of children do seem to enjoy being nagged, and a lot of parents
do an astounding amount of nagging. It's like, if telling them once
didn't work, do it over and over and over again. That is totally
stuck, you know? Now and then DH or I slip into nagging the kids,
until the other adult calls it to our attention.

A new baby always is a full time job for someone, especially when
nursing is involved because the major job (feeding) cannot be shared.
One thing we did with DS was I made a small stash of BM and when I was
totally exhausted DH fed the baby one feeding while I got a solid 3
hours of sleep. The baby did not much care for the bottle, but would
take it from DH. Of course, if it seems to make nursing more
difficult, don't do that.

Who will take your DD to preschool? Is there any time in your
schedules for parking a small distance from the school, and having a
nice one-on-one conversation while walking between car and school?

Pologirl
From: cjra on
On Jan 20, 9:40 am, Pologirl <polog...(a)att.net> wrote:
> I am glad things are better for you now, Cjra.
>
> A lot of children do seem to enjoy being nagged, and a lot of parents
> do an astounding amount of nagging.  It's like, if telling them once
> didn't work, do it over and over and over again.  That is totally
> stuck, you know?  Now and then DH or I slip into nagging the kids,
> until the other adult calls it to our attention.

It's hard not too...we have to be conscientious about it.

My mom is here right now which helps a lot, esp. as DH has been on
work travel. DD is improving, as our we.

>
> A new baby always is a full time job for someone, especially when
> nursing is involved because the major job (feeding) cannot be shared.
> One thing we did with DS was I made a small stash of BM and when I was
> totally exhausted DH fed the baby one feeding while I got a solid 3
> hours of sleep.  The baby did not much care for the bottle, but would
> take it from DH.  Of course, if it seems to make nursing more
> difficult, don't do that.

That's what I've been doing. He takes a bottle ok so I keep one in the
fridge (I usually pump a bit during the night just to relieve
engorgement, so there's a bottle handy). DH will offer it if I'm not
immediately available, or DD can give it, which she loves.

DS is finally gaining very well (gained 10 oz in one week) and now at
6 weeks is a little chubbo, so I'm a bit more relaxed about the
nursing. He tells me often enough he's hungry, whereas before I had
to wake him.

>
> Who will take your DD to preschool?  Is there any time in your
> schedules for parking a small distance from the school, and having a
> nice one-on-one conversation while walking between car and school?

If DH is here, he will take her and I pick her up. Unfortunately
there's no place to walk...it's a busy street. The center is placed
back a bit (behind a church), but there's no where to walk except the
parking lot. She loves to take the bus we discovered, so I may try to
take her on a few bus trips when we're home together. We also like to
walk alot, but it's not one on one. Whenever DS is asleep, I try to
give her some one on one attention though.